Remember Whose Child You Are

Remember Whose Child You Are

I don't know when the idea came to me but I do remember the thoughts, feelings, and circumstances that lead to it. I was in my previous marriage  at the time and my husband was heavy into drugs and alcohol often raging about something, real or made up.  I was doing my best in the circumstances I lived in to raise my children for the Lord. I knew I had made mistakes and would make more in my endeavor to try an shield my kids from the ugliness of some of the things in their world. 

At a young age I tried to get them to understand that there will be times I fail them or wouldn't always be there for them. There might even be times they were afraid and I wouldn't be able to be there to protect them. But there was a God, a Father in heaven who would always be there and who loved them more than I ever could. He went wherever they went and was aware of everything they did. I told them that before they were my children, they were the Lord's. And that's where the phrase came from, "remember who's child you are." 

As my children grew older, I knew they would not always be around me. They would gain more independence,  have friends of their own to go off with, and I wasn't going to be there to influence or correct their actions. So each time they left the house out into the world with out me, besides saying, I love you, I would tell them, "remember whose child you are." It was later followed up with a reminder, "You're a child of a King and you should act accordingly." I wanted them to always be aware of their actions and know that I'm not the only one who holds them accountable. I could only hold them accountable for what I knew about, but God sees all and they would one day answer to Him for their actions good or bad.

Therapists and doctors today will tell a person that the poor choices they make are due to the mistakes their parents made while raising them. It takes the blame off the one making poor choices, gives them an excuse, and frees them from accountability. There comes a point in everyone's life, or at least it should, when you know right from wrong. If you know right from wrong, you're  able to decide for yourself which you'll choose. 

 Like I mentioned in my first blog post, in my late teens I faced some major depression and anxiety; accompanied by alcohol and  other means of self destruction. Of course I had an excuse for it. I was living in a home that was often out of control, that, and I was a teenager. Was I aware of God in my life? Yes. Did I lean on Him in times of trouble and when I had feelings of desperation? Not as I should have. Did I drink and sleep with guys in order to drown out the pain and confusion, to find self worth and experience love and acceptance? Yes. Could I have brought all of my hurt, shame, and anger to the Lord? Would He have comforted me? Did He send people in my life to influence and guide me? Yes, yes, yes to it all!!! It's all a spiritual battle we can chose to fight or give in to, yet rarely do people see it that way. I didn't act that way and give into the depression, anxiety, and all that other stuff because of the way I was raised or the things I experienced in life. It was because I failed to recognize the spiritual battle and listened to the lies of the devil. Having this knowledge hasn't left me anxiety free and with out any bouts of depression, I am still human living in a broken world. However, when I take it to the Lord, who's very name covers and protects me, I gain freedom from it!

God is, Jehovah Shammah, the Lord who is there. He is Jehovah Jireh, The One Who Provides.  Jehovah Shalom, the Lord of Peace, and He is El Elyon, The Most High God. If He is my Heavenly Father then I am the daughter of a King!  In my poor choice to turn from Him, the most high God, who is always there, provides a way out, and offers peace, I looked to the world, and what it had to offer instead. My choices damaged family relationships and further damaged my self esteem. It wasn't my upbringing, it was how I chose to deal with my upbringing.

 My teenage and early adult years, a time of life I don't talk too much about, I'm not at all proud of it, as it shows me in an ugly light. However, God always saw me as beautiful. A beautiful mess perhaps, but beautiful. The way I dealt with my life just brought me more guilt and shame. I had aunts boldly, sometimes harshly, pointing out my sin, it made me pile on even more guilt. I held on to it instead of giving it to the one who had already redeemed it.  Instead of facing it, I let it eat at me. Sometimes I would try to turn to the Lord in my own power, but I never made the full commitment to give over everything, all of my ugliness.

 It wasn't until then, when I completely gave it all to Him did I begin to find peace. When you live in fear of being found out that you're a big fake, you're not the perfect person you're trying to be...When you live in fear that nobody will love you the way you are, or that you'll never fit in, or have  fear of anything, you won't have peace. The opposite of peace is fear. When we hold on to fear we can't have peace. Through Jehovah Shalom we can live in peace, or freedom from disquieting or oppressive thoughts or emotions. Through that peace we can live as the child of The most High King, just as we're called to be.

I have had an idea for quite a while about blogging on the idea of being the daughter or a child of the King, but I wasn't sure from what perspective to take it from. It wasn't until after listening to a speaker at Saturday's Morning Tea for the ladies at church, sharing a piece of my testimony with another woman there, and dealing with some family issues that echoed the very loudly the need for everyone to keep in mind that they are a child of The Most High and we should act accordingly.

As much as I had always told my children through out their lives to remember who's child they were, I hadn't turned it around to myself. I didn't really start doing that until almost three years ago when someone handed me a book they thought I should read called, His Princess by Sheri Rose Shepherd. The point in wanting my children to remember who's child they were wasn't just because I wanted them to take responsibility for their actions but to know they were special and loved, not just by me, but a king! This book is written as a collection of letters from The King to us his Princess. Apparently it was something I needed to read.

We are children of the Most High King and we should act accordingly. What does that look like? It's funny that the speaker Saturday discussed the very idea of being a child of God. She used an illustration that pricked my heart a bit, because I couldn't relate to it. She described what it was like to be a little girl holding on to her daddy's strong hand, and while her hand was in his she felt safe and strong and that she could do anything. She related that feeling to what it is like to return and trust in the Lord. I have absolutely no idea what that is like. I never had a touch from my earthly father that felt safe. Although I longed for that very feeling, to put my hand in a big, strong, encouraging hand, that steadies my steps. Not having that left a hole in my heart that I tried to fill with so many worldly and self destructive things, everything but God. The one who had been holding out His hand all along. All I had to do is reach out and take it. When I finally did, He lifted me up, set me straight, and as long as I hold on He keeps me steady. 

18 “I will be a Father to you,
And you shall be My sons and daughters,

Says the LordAlmighty.”( 2 Corinthians 6:18)

Being a child of The King means to walk in faith. With faith, you can't have doubt. There's no doubt which way to go in life if you trust Him enough to follow Him. Isaiah 48:17 reminds us to listen He will tell us which way to go. "Thus says the Lord, your Redeemer,The Holy One of Israel: “I am the Lord your God, Who teaches you to profit, Who leads you by the way you should go." And, "For the Lord will be your confidence, And will keep your foot from being caught." (Proverbs 3:26) Life is going to be hard, in our humanness we will make mistakes but those mistakes are what we do, not who we are. He will keep us from being caught or unable to escape. Keep moving in the direction He calls you.

Your crown may be a little beat up, tarnished, and it may be missing a few jewels, but your title of Prince or Princess of The Most High can never be taken away. Walk in the position you hold, with your mangled crown on your head, looking forward to Him, and keep going! My hope and future are in Jehovah Shammah, the Lord who is there; Jehovah Jireh, The One Who Provides; Jehovah Shalom, the Lord of Peace, and in El Elyon, The Most High God, My Heavenly Father. 

Remember Whose Child You Are.

**

Jehovah Shalom- the Lord is Peace Judges 6:24

Jehovah Shammah-The Lord is there Ezekiel 48:35

Jehovah Jireh- The Lord Will Provide Genesis 22:14

Elyon- The Most High God 

Genesis 14:18

Spring Forth

10 Life's been a bit of a struggle lately. It's amazing how finances can put such a strain on a person and on relationships. My husband works so hard for us both. He works at two jobs, neither are his calling or what he wants to be doing. He's an ordained minister and he works in a restaurant and is a trainer in a factory.  Be that as it may, it puts money in the bank. One job is slightly more demanding, physically, while the other requires a little more mental stamina. Both keep him on his feet the whole time.

While at one time I have worked at three jobs, mentally and physically they completely wore me out! Currently I'm just working at my one job. Being a special education teaching assistant in a primary life skills classroom is something I've done for many years, I love it! Yet, recently I feel, all of the years have taken a toll on me mentally and physically. The average turnover rate for such a position is about 5 years. I've lasted 15, not all in the same school, though. Taking a huge pay cut almost two years ago when I changed school districts, makes the job a little harder to enjoy. On top of that, if there is a snow day, two hour delay, or some sort of break, I don't get paid. With student loans, car payments and other unforeseen debt we have acquired, along with daily living expenses my job isn't helping much.  Which puts further mental strain on my husband and I both.

 I've come to the realization that to keep with the current theme of my life, it's time for a new change. A career change. Who knew getting your foot in the door to some place new in a new town would be so difficult? Adding more stress and strain to a relationship. Now, we know neither God nor Satan caused this situation we find ourselves in to happen. It's just part of life in this broken world we live in. That doesn't mean that Satan won't get in there and start whispering lies. Trying to get me to believe that " I'm not good enough or worthy enough to find a better job." Or telling my husband that "I'm lazy and I'll never get a job and he'll have to be doing all the work to provide for us. All the bills and all the pressures will always be on him." It is Satan's goal to destroy families to destroy relationships. If he can get you to believe lies that your spouse is not going to contribute, work together in supporting each other, and care about you, It can really drive a wedged between two people. When this happens, people will either lash out at each other or withdraw for fear of hurting the other. Neither action is good for a relationship. It's important not to let Satan have that foothold. 

My marriage may not be perfect, but in my eyes I think it's pretty darn close. Here's a glimpse into my day today and how my Amazing Man shows his love and how he cares for me: My morning had already started off pretty bad. I had nothing to wear all my clothes (not that I have a lot, compared to most) are either dirty or I've gained too much weight to wear them. I was too tired at three in the morning to take my dog out when she was whining about it. Like a horrible mom to my little Roxy I made her wait until after I took a shower. I forgot about her wanting out at 3 until she was whining at the bathroom door. The poor dog, she didn't make it, and peed right outside the bathroom door. After dragging out the carpet cleaner, wearing my uncomfortable clothes and cleaning up the dog mess, I proceed to the kitchen where there's NO COFFEE, nothing to make breakfast, and nothing to make for lunch. We hadn't gone to the store in a while. This day just isn't looking great at all! 

I go to my room where my husband is still laying. I lay beside him and began to complain about my rough morning. He quietly listens while I lay beside him ranting, and then he gently remind sme it's time to get moving, we have to go to work. We get into the car and make our way towards my work he makes a little detour and I'm sitting there in all my grouchiness, wondering what he's doing. I'm going to be late. My Amazing man pulls into The closest Circle K, goes right in and buys me some coffee, breakfast, and something for lunch. Who's heart isn't going to melt at that?  He presented to me and said, you gotta have your coffee to face today and something to eat.  

We arrive at the school as the busses are lining up. I kiss my man good bye, feeling blessed as he leaves. I take two steps and drop my coffee on the ground. Like a water balloon, the cup bursts open and coffee is splashed across the sidewalk. I stood there just like a child looking back to see my husband driving away and I began stomping my foot and letting out a loud groan of frustration.  A near by bus driver sees me and says, "you didn't want that coffee anyway." I'm pretty sure I gave her the evil eye. Isn't that how life is? It's the accumulation of the little things that trip you up and cause you to do, say, and think things that aren't always of good character. So I ended up texting my husband to complain more, " I DROPPED IT ". Ya  know what? He made a special trip and brought me more. 

Now you know my Amazing Man works two jobs. However, today he got up a little bit earlier because we're down to one car for now, and he wanted to have time to go do laundry before he went to his first job. After finishing laundry and going to his first job at a restaurant he did the grocery shopping! At the end of my day, 

My day continued to go on just as it started, little irritations and minor conflicts kept parading themselves throughout my day. All the while my mind battled between focusing on our current financial situation and trying to give it up to the Lord and Ficus on Him, and to do my job as if I were doing it for Him. At least I have a job. It seemed like the day was a constant spiritual battle. 

Tim picked me up at work and I didn't really want to continue to complain more about my day, but man! So as we make our way to his second job he listened to me vent. Before I left him at his job, he suggested that I don't go straight home, I should stop at the park and hang out by the river and have some time with the Lord. He also suggested I should have the women at my Bible study pray over me tonight. I didn't want to do either, but what would it hurt? 

As I absorb the warm sun reflecting off the water, I close my eyes, exhale and just give it all to the Lord. It was there I noticed all the signs of spring, a new season was finally here. It was there I was led to the following verses:

Mercy and truth have met together;
Righteousness and peace have kissed.
11 Truth shall spring out of the earth,
And righteousness shall look down from heaven.
12 Yes, the Lord will give what is good;
And our land will yield its increase.

Psalm 85:10-12

Behold, I will do a new thing, Now it shall springforth; Shall you not know it? I will even make a road in the wilderness And rivers in the desert.

Isaiah 43:19

For as the earth brings forth its bud, As the garden causes the things that are sown in it to spring forth, So the Lord God will cause righteousness and praise to spring forth before all the nations.

Isaiah 61:11 

God is doing a work, my current situation is just a season in life. He is making a way and soon our situation will change like winter changes to spring. Peace washed over me as He whispered these truths to my heart. He is about to do great things. I stayed a while to enjoy the view and take a couple pictures.

At Bible study I gained the courage to ask for prayer. I've never done that before, especially from a group of people. I haven't really ever had friends who would just pray for or with me, here I had a group of women who lent a hand and prayed powerful prayers over me. I don't know if they felt it or not. But I felt the presence of the Lord in a way I never have before. I can't really even put into words what I felt. It was physical, emotional, and I suppose spiritual feeling all at the same time. I wanted to hold on to that feeling as long as I could. I replayed the the prayers of the women in my head as well as the time at the park on the drive home. 

God is making things new again. They will spring forth and all will be for His glory and righteousness. Like struggling through winter and knowing with out a doubt spring and all its beauty is sure to come, so is my life right now. 

Thank you Lord for planting the seeds of hope in my heart today, help me not to forget to take the time to watch  and see what springs forth.

My hope and future will always rest in the promises of the Lord and the knowledge that situations in life are just like seasons, I will take time to look for the righteous in each one. 

Where is your hope and future today?

And They Lived Happily Ever After...The End

And They Lived Happily Ever After...The End

"... “Naked I came from my mother’s womb,

And naked shall I return there.
The Lord gave, and the Lordhas taken away;
Blessed be the name of the Lord.”"

Job 1:21

While scholars can't agree exactly when Job lived, there seems to be a consensus among some theologians I have read about, that he lived sometime after the flood and just before Moses, maybe the early part of Moses' life time. However, he was a real man who had a whole book dedicated to his life in God's Word. 

Job was a prosperous man with a strong faith in God, a large household including: seven sons and three daughters and many possessions. God's word states that he was considered "blameless and upright, and one who feared God and shunned evil." Yet, he endured  numerous hardships all in one day, greater than the average man ever had!  Job lost his seven thousand sheep by lightning, or as the Bible puts it, " fire from heaven". The Chaldeans formed three bands, raided the three thousand camels and took them away, as well as killed his servants by the sword. Five hundred yoke of oxen, and five hundred female donkeys were raided and taken away by the  Sabeans,  who also killed more his servants by the sword. Job's sons and daughters were also crushed and killed under the oldest brother's roof while they were eating and drinking wine as the book of Job tells, "a great wind came from across the wilderness and struck the four corners of the house and it fell on the young people." Through all the loss, pain and sorrow, Job never "sinned or charged God with wrong. He held on to his faith in a merciful God! 

Still, Job endured more! He became covered in sores from head to toe, even lost his peace of mind. Surely he must have felt depression over take him and insanity creep to the edges of his mind . In fact, he cursed the day he was born. I've been in that state of mind before, almost there last night. (Oh the places the Devil can take you, if you let him.) His friends, thinking they were helpful surely weren't, by trying to put the blame all on him and some sort if sin he must have committed. After all, why else would God allow all this? Job's own wife encouraged him to curse God and die! See, Satan was trying to shake his marriage too. Job held fast to his faith, he never gave up, trusting in a God who is good and loving through it all. 

In the end, Job's life was restored with twice as much as he had before! His friends came back, he gained a new family of seven sons and three daughters and he lived to a good old age, and saw four generations of descendants. The perfect "And they lived happily ever after...The End" story.

Not that my life has been as rough as Job's, but those who have followed my blog or at least read my first post knows, I've had some tough struggles before I lost everything. However, like Job I have had everything restored and gained even more and better than what I had before. Like Job, my life isn't a fairy tale, happily ever after, sure, but "The End"? Not quite.

Job gained his family, possessions, and wealth back. However, knowing our God, it wasn't just handed to him. I'm sure there was work involved. Man, going through raising that many teenagers again, that's enough work for anyone. As silly as it sounds, all of that just dawned on me today after crying most of the night and morning.

I was crying about how hard life is. It is a struggle, it's not fair. I posted some of this pity party on FaceBook last night: My Amazing Man is currently working 2 jobs. The day job has turned into 30 hours a week, and the evening job 40 hours a week. I'm down to one job that I'm feeling quite burnt out on, after 15 years of the same type of work. When I had more than one job, it was so mentally and physically stressful. Now, we're still just barely making it. I hate that Tim works so hard and when his body is tired and sore, he keeps going. I can't find a better job to replace my current one or as much as I don't want, find another job to add to the one I have that won't kill me. 

We have such a great desire to get more involved in church and make more connections. We have a dream to move into a house of our own and expand ministry roles. We want to be able to help and bless others more than we're able, especially family members who really need it. My heart aches for all the things I desire but feel unable to do. I don't want "things", I've learned to live with very little. It's the connecting with people/friends outside of social media including my husband, I really miss and want. As well as buy groceries and pay the bills.  

 I haven't forgotten my blessings. "God is good all the time, and all the time, God is good."It could always be worse, I've lived way worse before! This is just a different kind of struggle. I know God will and is walking us through it even though it seems so dark now. He won't let go of our hands.

 

Everyone wants their "happily ever after...The End." I think especially in America we're conditioned to believe that because we're Americans we don't have to work as hard, land of the free and all. As I look back on all the things I'm crying about, as real as they are and as painful as they are to me, they are first world problems.

I still live in the best country in the world, even though many of the people living here seem to be making some poor life choices that affect our nation. It's still better than others. My husband and I may not be serving the Lord in the capacity we feel led to yet, but we are still free to worship Him. We're free to choose whom we want to marry and be an equal partner in that marriage; with out being hidden away, abused and tortured. ( I am more than aware in some cases it happens in our country, but it's not acceptable) which is why I have an Amazing Man in my life. Our rent for our tiny apartment may be crazy high and difficult to pay, but we have a place that is warm and dry. Our cars may be in some desperate need of work and payments are behind on one, but we have TWO. We may not have the jobs or careers we like, but we have work with Sundays off. God didn't guarantee a 40 hour work week. In Biblical times as well as countries around the world today, people work from sun up to sun down seven days a week making a fraction of what we make, if they have a job at all. And people in our country want to cry about not having paid maternity or paternity leave for months at a time. Or paid for this or that, because other countries ( who are going bankrupt by the way) are doing it. People want to cry about all of these false social injustices in our country while turing their heads to what is going on in the rest of the world. We are a spoiled nation and it is easy to get caught up with everyone crying, "it's not fair". 

So, we may be barely making financially it at this time, BUT WE ARE MAKING IT, and better than many others in the world. I don't know everything God is working out in us and I don't quite know what the lesson to be learned is. Although, I do know the plans He has for us is to prosper us, not to harm us, to give us hope and a future! He said so. 

Prosperity, hope, and a future doesn't mean life with out a struggle and hard work. Our human idea of prosperity is very different in God's eyes than our human eyes, I'm sure. Monetarily, God's economy is very different than ours.  Anything worth having, including a good life is worth working hard for.  Even if I have to piece together jobs that cause fear and anxiety because they are so out of my box and maybe somewhere deep inside a small part of me felt it was beneath me, if that's what God leads me to, I shouldn't turn it away. I should stay faithful in ALL THINGS AND IN ALL CONDITIONS, because HE is faithful to me! Besides everything good in this life is a gift. And every gift is only temporary.

Where is your faith today? Oh to have the faith of Job. When life is at it's worse don't give up. Like Job, He's not done with you yet!

Timing, Family, Christmas Part 2 of 3

Family

There are quite a few definitions of family. To complete my thoughts on the subject I chose the following definitions from Merriam Webster:1a: a group of persons of common ancestry : clan b: a people or group of peoples regarded as deriving from a common stock :  race 2a: a group of people united by certain convictions or a common affiliations: fellowship. 

Growing up I considered my family to include just the members of my mom's side of the family. In my opinion we were a tight knit group. These members included, my grandparents, my four aunts, my mom, and sister, and a cousin. Two more cousins came much later in my life. Three of my aunts had husbands, two stayed and I was only close to one. There were further extended family members too, the great___ and the great great___, but for me these were it. I felt close to them. Anyhow, all of the members of my family were very special to me, weather or not they realized it. I have such great love and respect for them all even when they didn't or couldn't see it. Most every decision I ever made wasn't with out hearing at least one of them in my head. Weather or not that decision I made was right or wrong is a whole other story. At 44 there is still a huge part of me that desperately wants their approval. I want them all to be proud of me. I had some pretty rough years that gave them all cause for concern, but I have long since pulled through amazingly! 

Through the years and after I moved to Indiana, almost 25 years ago, the connection had been severed. I still make attempts to stay in contact, but only one aunt does the same in return. It wasn't until this past weekend that I came to the realization of my mom's last words to me when I left California,  "if you leave, you can never come back." Since then I've only been back to visit maybe 5 or 6 times, if that. I knew I could never live with my mom again, and I was fine with that. But to never come back,  just really hit me.

 My family moved on with out me. I'm not a part of their lives. What I do in my life has little or no affect on them. They seem hardly aware of my existence unless I call, write, or on a very rare occasion or death of someone do I get to visit. I do have that one aunt who does her best to keep tabs on me. People change, as they should. They grow and move forward in life weather you're there to be a part of it or not. I know that is how it's supposed to be. Mostly, I miss what I thought my family was. My mom still lives in the same house I grew up in, but it too has changed. I miss the memories and ideas of what I thought I had. Even the little town I grew up in has changed. Going back can and will never be the same. It's true, you can never go back. Keep moving forward.

 I spent many years not believing I would stay in Indiana. It never felt like home. My ex had a huge family out here. They were all very close but I never felt my children or I ever quite fit in, I think my ex liked it that way. While the four of us were technically a family, it was really just my two children and I living hidden away, together but separate from the husband/father figure, in a house that wasn't much of a home. I no longer fit in California and I surely didn't fit in Indiana. I felt my children were my only family. Yet, all along there was another family I often took for granted, the family of God. I believe many have tried to be there. However, I've really struggled with letting them get too close. There have been some members I was just too messy for. 

This past weekend, I think God put things in a new perspective. As I type this lyrics to an old song came to mind, " if you can't love the one you want, love the one you're with." I have spent a long time looking back missing my family, regretting not being a part of their lives. But now at this point in my life, I have a new and amazing husband, 3 out of four of his girls are slowly accepting me, my son and daughter are having children of their own and I got to witness some pretty awesome reconnecting with my husband and his extended family. Then there is this new church family, I love them already and I know that love will grow on both sides as time goes on. It's time to say goodbye to my family in California,  go our separate ways, and be okay with it. It's not forever. I'll see them again. I'm just not a part of them. The family I thought I was going to have when I came to Indiana has fallen a part and rebuilt too. Now,I can and should freely embrace the family God has set before me. I am so blessed and thankful for the blessings!! I may have had to let go of a lot, but I've gained much more!!! 

I'm sure leaving your family and becoming a part of a new one is a big part of what that verse in the Bible is about. In fact, I just realized it's mentioned four times! If God said it once, it's important. If He had to say it more than once, you better listen. Genesis 2:24, Matthew 19:5, Mark 10:7, and Ephesians 5:31 all speak of man leaving his family and joining with his spouse.  Then, they become one. I always knew of that verse in Genesis and I just figured it meant, they are one through the children they have together. If the marriage relationship on Earth is supposed to reflect the relationship we have with Christ, then always looking back wanting to fit into a family I'm far removed from isn't what God wants for me. There is the family of God, I need to look to embrace as well as the family unit He has restored to my life. He's given me not just a second chance at life but family too!! I have a hope and a future set in the family right here in front of me. Who's your family?