Family
There are quite a few definitions of family. To complete my thoughts on the subject I chose the following definitions from Merriam Webster:1a: a group of persons of common ancestry : clan b: a people or group of peoples regarded as deriving from a common stock : race 2a: a group of people united by certain convictions or a common affiliations: fellowship.
Growing up I considered my family to include just the members of my mom's side of the family. In my opinion we were a tight knit group. These members included, my grandparents, my four aunts, my mom, and sister, and a cousin. Two more cousins came much later in my life. Three of my aunts had husbands, two stayed and I was only close to one. There were further extended family members too, the great___ and the great great___, but for me these were it. I felt close to them. Anyhow, all of the members of my family were very special to me, weather or not they realized it. I have such great love and respect for them all even when they didn't or couldn't see it. Most every decision I ever made wasn't with out hearing at least one of them in my head. Weather or not that decision I made was right or wrong is a whole other story. At 44 there is still a huge part of me that desperately wants their approval. I want them all to be proud of me. I had some pretty rough years that gave them all cause for concern, but I have long since pulled through amazingly!
Through the years and after I moved to Indiana, almost 25 years ago, the connection had been severed. I still make attempts to stay in contact, but only one aunt does the same in return. It wasn't until this past weekend that I came to the realization of my mom's last words to me when I left California, "if you leave, you can never come back." Since then I've only been back to visit maybe 5 or 6 times, if that. I knew I could never live with my mom again, and I was fine with that. But to never come back, just really hit me.
My family moved on with out me. I'm not a part of their lives. What I do in my life has little or no affect on them. They seem hardly aware of my existence unless I call, write, or on a very rare occasion or death of someone do I get to visit. I do have that one aunt who does her best to keep tabs on me. People change, as they should. They grow and move forward in life weather you're there to be a part of it or not. I know that is how it's supposed to be. Mostly, I miss what I thought my family was. My mom still lives in the same house I grew up in, but it too has changed. I miss the memories and ideas of what I thought I had. Even the little town I grew up in has changed. Going back can and will never be the same. It's true, you can never go back. Keep moving forward.
I spent many years not believing I would stay in Indiana. It never felt like home. My ex had a huge family out here. They were all very close but I never felt my children or I ever quite fit in, I think my ex liked it that way. While the four of us were technically a family, it was really just my two children and I living hidden away, together but separate from the husband/father figure, in a house that wasn't much of a home. I no longer fit in California and I surely didn't fit in Indiana. I felt my children were my only family. Yet, all along there was another family I often took for granted, the family of God. I believe many have tried to be there. However, I've really struggled with letting them get too close. There have been some members I was just too messy for.
This past weekend, I think God put things in a new perspective. As I type this lyrics to an old song came to mind, " if you can't love the one you want, love the one you're with." I have spent a long time looking back missing my family, regretting not being a part of their lives. But now at this point in my life, I have a new and amazing husband, 3 out of four of his girls are slowly accepting me, my son and daughter are having children of their own and I got to witness some pretty awesome reconnecting with my husband and his extended family. Then there is this new church family, I love them already and I know that love will grow on both sides as time goes on. It's time to say goodbye to my family in California, go our separate ways, and be okay with it. It's not forever. I'll see them again. I'm just not a part of them. The family I thought I was going to have when I came to Indiana has fallen a part and rebuilt too. Now,I can and should freely embrace the family God has set before me. I am so blessed and thankful for the blessings!! I may have had to let go of a lot, but I've gained much more!!!
I'm sure leaving your family and becoming a part of a new one is a big part of what that verse in the Bible is about. In fact, I just realized it's mentioned four times! If God said it once, it's important. If He had to say it more than once, you better listen. Genesis 2:24, Matthew 19:5, Mark 10:7, and Ephesians 5:31 all speak of man leaving his family and joining with his spouse. Then, they become one. I always knew of that verse in Genesis and I just figured it meant, they are one through the children they have together. If the marriage relationship on Earth is supposed to reflect the relationship we have with Christ, then always looking back wanting to fit into a family I'm far removed from isn't what God wants for me. There is the family of God, I need to look to embrace as well as the family unit He has restored to my life. He's given me not just a second chance at life but family too!! I have a hope and a future set in the family right here in front of me. Who's your family?
No comments:
Post a Comment