Back to the Beginning

I often need to return back to the beginning, to the testimony of who Jesus is and how He has worked on my behalf in life. I need to be reminded of His great love for me so that I can return that love. I spend way too much time in my head. I'm full of head knowledge, that often looses translation and connection with my heart. I sometimes struggle with the true understanding of or the feeling of love. I can say I love Jesus and do my best to follow His commandments but to truly, in my heart, deep down, love Him, and get excited about His love for me; sometimes it's a stretch. 

How do you get that? The closest thing I've known, or felt that type of deep love is in the relationship with my current husband, or the love I have for my children. Yet, due to my human condition even that deep love ebbs and flows. Still, we are called, commanded, in the Book of Matthew to love God/Jesus above all else including our family members. How do you get that kind of love? Where does it come from? 

To quote John Piper, an author, teacher, and pastor, "'love comes from love.' It comes from being stunned by being loved by God, right? This love comes from being overwhelmed by the person of Jesus dying on our behalf and rising again, though we have no merit at all in ourselves." Wrapping my mind around God loving me so much He would send his son to die in my place can often be challenging because I haven't experienced that type of death, to fully realize what I've have been saved from. Although, knowing how He has worked in my daily life, that's nothing short of miraculous!

Philippians 3:8 says, "Yet indeed I also count all things loss for the excellence of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them as rubbish, that I may gain Christ." Knowing what He has done in my life, I can't help but to be overwhelmed by emotion and allow that emotion of love over flow into all areas and people in my life. However, I often get stuck in my head, listening to lies of the devil: "You don't belong, you don't fit in, you never have you never will, you're not good enough, people pretend to like you out of pity, you're unworthy, tainted, and tarnished, if you don't have a solid group of friends now at 45 you never will, what's the point, why keep trying." I know, I know... GET OUT OF MY HEAD THERE ARE NO FRIENDS IN THERE! 

See I get caught up in the day to day issues of life: I worry about the choices my children make in life, are they following the Lord? Are we going to be able to make it to the next payday and pay all the bills and keep a roof over everyone's head while we're all in a place of transition? How long do I have to stay at a job I don't like? Will I ever find one that I like and pays the bills? Will my husband always have to work more than two jobs, feeling like he too is unable to fulfill his calling? I believe I was told by God before I ever met my husband that I would be in full time ministry. I laughed at that, thinking it had to do with speaking to others and maybe even getting paid for it. Anyone who knows me knows, for me that is a far out there idea, for sure! What would it look like? Or is this day to day life that feels like I'm more stuck in than positioned in, the full time ministry God spoke about? Forgive me Lord for the disappointment. 

I've come to the end of all these thoughts running around in my head and am reminded of Philippians 4:8-9, "Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things. The things which you learned and received and heard and saw in me, these do, and the God of peace will be with you."

What is praise worthy? The love God the Father has poured out over my life through His Son Jesus Christ, that I may live my life out as the Daughter of a King. As His daughter He has shown His love for me no matter what condition my heart was in, lovable or not. He loved me when I was born premature and the doctors had no hope, my heart stopped and He restarted it so that I would live. He loved me the day I said YES to him at that camp fire at a young age.  He loved me through the abuse and neglect as a child and was a friend to me when I had none. He loved me through the reckless behavior as a teenager that led to abuse at the hands of other guys. He loved me when my mind could no longer cope and I was locked away for a time. He loved me through a difficult marriage to a raging alcoholic, drug addict who wasn't always faithful. He loved me through the miscarriages. He loved me as I cried over a very sick child I wasn't sure would see their next birthday. He loved me through the pain of feeling I wasn't enough for both of my children. He loved me through the death of my marriage. He loved me and restored my life in ways I never thought were possible. 

My world has changed, nothing is as it was. There is no more fear, sadness, or pain. I've been redeemed, it's taken a long time but in comparison to eternity, it's just a blink of an eye. My blessings have increased, not with out struggle. I suppose the struggles keep you humble and looking to rely on the Lord. It is so important to reel myself back in when I feel empty inside and let the Love of God fill me back up so that it can overflow to the people and situations around me. 

My Hope and Future lie in the One who first loved me, so that I could love out of the overflow. 1 John 4:16 says, "And we have known and believed the love that God has for us. God is love, and he who abides in love abides in God, and God in him." When we are abiding in His love we give others a glimpse of His face. Be the face of God and Love!