All Things are Lawful for Me, but All Things are Not Helpful

Oh the little things that make you think big! After typing this blog post, my 50th one, I kinda wonder who ever reads what I post, if it matters, and if it gets people thinking. All I can see is that people read it and where they are from, but I don't know the names or if it makes a difference or even gets anyone thinking like I hope my blogs do. Although, if it gets to just one person, I suppose it's worth it. 

As some know, I work in a primary life skills classroom for children with special needs. In the past 15 years working in public schools and at special needs summer camps, I have worked with children and young adults who have minor to major learning and physical disabilities. I've worked with those who have Autism, Down's Syndrome, Cerebral Palsy,  Fragile X, Myotonic Dystrophy, Muscular Dystrophy, Williams Syndrome, Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, and many more.

 I have such a soft spot in my heart for children with special needs. As a child I struggled with learning and was put into special education classes up through Jr. High, not much was offered in High School. So I have compassion when it comes to children struggling to learn. However, the young people I work with more often than not, have greater challenges than I ever had. While they all have their own unique physical and or mental abilities, and some may come from broken homes or difficult lifestyles, they are all so precious. 

True, there are days I'm so physically and emotionally worn out after dealing with attitudes and strong wills, temper tantrums, fits of anger, accompanied by objects thrown at me, multiple "Code Browns", AKA messy diapers, and just the constant noise...Still, I don't loose sight of the fact that they are God's first. When they learn something for the first time or take my hand and randomly say, "I love you", or when I watch them explore things for the first time and get a glimpse of the world through their eyes it makes it all worth it. Matthew 25:40 says, "And the King will answer and say to them, ‘Assuredly, I say to you, inasmuch as you did it to one of the least of these My brethren, you did it to Me.’" Sadly it doesn't pay the bills.

Now I hear that schools used to have prayer in them. When I was in school it didn't happen much, however if you felt the need to do so, nobody condemned you for it either. I also have heard that The Pledge of Allegiance is being taken out of schools. I personally haven't seen that happen at any schools I have worked. I have however, witnessed as students move up in higher grades, the lack of respect and understanding for the pledge, the flag, and our country in general, even respect for a Creator God, has greatly decreased. Although, the school I currently work at has a 30 second moment of silence every day. I take that time to pray over our day. That quick 30 seconds is followed by the pledge. A couple of days ago, I was looking at the faces of the students as one yelled the pledge, another mumbled or babbled as that's about the only way she speaks, another one misses a few words and adds others, but they all looked in the general  direction of the flag with a right or left hand somewhere on or near their chest or belly and recite or acknowledge the flag in their own way. 

Then, it hit me like a ton of bricks! People don't realize how blessed they are to live in the USA!! In other countries children like these precious trying, ones I work with, wouldn't be allowed to live. Their lives wouldn't be as cherished by the community as my students are.  If they were able to live they would not be attending school. They might be sheltered and or hidden away, and maybe not given the medical treatment needed.  This line of thinking led me to the think about how many people take for granted, the blessings right in front of them. Too many people are not satisfied with what they have.  They wanted to be handed more, feel they deserve more, all because some sort of disability or lack of certain ability, or even minority status. Not that every one with a disability or children with a disability or even minorities in the U.S. all think like that, but there is a growing number who do. 

In fact there are becoming a greater number of people in our country, in this world who feel entitled to gain something just because they feel they deserve it, nothing more. There is such a high number of people who continue to add labels to themselves or children to gain monetary support, health care, and other benefits or special treatment. 

The priorities and ideals our country once held in high esteem are being eroded away by selfishness, laziness, feelings of entitlement, and failure to acknowledging The God our country was founded on, whether  those who rewrite history want to admit it or not. Our country as a whole, not every individual person, is so focused on their little corner of the world. They don't seem to see past the community they live in, or the needs and desires they feel are more important than others. People don't often think bigger. Bigger than their, home, town, city, state, hardly bigger than their country. There is more to this world than The USA. We're a country, part of a global community. 

Yet, we as a society don't seem too concerned or pay much attention to what goes on in the rest of the global community. We think that none of the issues of the world affect us. So we go on not paying attention to what's going on around us, cry about some made up entitlement we're not receiving.  While others in the world we ignore are literally dying to drink clean water, have enough daily food to sustain them, attend school, and even worship the very same God our country was founded on, but is now trying to kick out. 

Our country was supposed to be a beacon of light, a place of hope, an example to the world. A good example. We may still have more freedoms than many other countries and be just about the richest country in the world, but we are spoiled and self centered. 

It is true that the Declaration of Independence states, "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness." However, this statement isn't a license to be selfish, choose to be ignorant, or think you're more deserving than others. 

Unalienable means, unable to be taken away from or given away by the possessor. Who is the possessor mentioned in the Declaration of Independence? "Their Creator".  If you ask the average American whether  they are religious or not, most would understand "their Creator" (note spelled with a capital C) refers to God with a capital G meaning, the one true God. So it is understood, God, whom our country is founded on, gave the rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.   

Liberty is the freedom from external foreign rule. There was a reason why people sought out a new land, the rulers of their time and country were oppressive and took away many of the basic necessities they felt they needed to live a full and productive life. Whether current historians want to recognize it or not, worshiping God, the way they felt He was leading them, was one of the major pushes in finding new land. 

Happiness, as most anyone understands, according to an online dictionary, means: good fortune, pleasure, contentment, or joy. Notice in the Declaration of Independence it says, "the pursuit of happiness." It doesn't say that we are guaranteed or owed good fortune, pleasure, or joy, but we are free to peruse it. When thinking about that one freedom given to us by God, it reminds me of the quote, "... For to whom much is given, from him much will be required;..." It's not just a great quote from the Spider-Man comic or movie, it is from God himself in Luke 12:48. Our country has great freedoms but what they choose to do with them, isn't necessarily wise. 1 Corinthians 6:12 says, "All things are lawful for me, but all things are not helpful. All things are lawful for me, but I will not be brought under the power of any..." Just because we are able to use our freedom, it's how we choose to use them and what we use them for that matters.

As a country I think we have corrupted our freedom and made poor choices. It's time to turn back to God. I think we are so far away from what our Founding Fathers intended for us. Those who consider themselves a Christian, need to take a greater stand for our country before it is lost.  I think we are extremely far from what God would like to see in us. He never required much of us as Christians. "and if My people who are called by My name will humble themselves, and pray and seek My face, and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin and heal their land. Now My eyes will be open and My ears attentive to prayers made in this place." (2 Chronicles 7:14-15)

Those who don't consider themselves Christians need a true example of what it means to live for the Lord and not forsake Him. We have warnings about turning from the Lord, and I think we're on the edge of great danger. 2 Chronicles 7:19:20 says, “But if you turn away and forsake My statutes and My commandments which I have set before you, and go and serve other gods, and worship them, then I will uproot them from My land which I have given them; and this house which I have sanctified for My name I will cast out of My sight, and will make it a proverb and a by word among all peoples." Do we want to be a proverb among all people? A proverb about a country richly blessed and as an example to the world, lost it all because we turned from the original purpose and plan for our life and country?

As Christians, we hold a high calling, I think most are failing to see. “For you are a holy people to the Lord your God; the Lord your God has chosen you to be a people for Himself, a special treasure above all the peoples on the face of the earth. (Deuteronomy 7:6) Are we conducting ourselves worthy of being called God's treasure? Once we accept God's gift of salvation through Jesus we are considered a chosen people.  He chose to give freely and we chose to accept. Proclaim what He has done and wants to do in the lives of others. "But you are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, His own special people, that you may proclaim the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light; 1 Peter 2:9

While I desire Christians to make a stand and for our country to turn back to the Lord, I fear we've already gone too far and God is just going to give our nation over to itself. God did warn against such things.

"So will I choose their delusions, And bring their fears on them; Because, when I called, no one answered,

When I spoke they did not hear; But they did evil before My eyes,
And chose that in which I do not delight.” (Isaiah 66:4) "For then there will be great tribulation, such as has not been since the beginning of the world until this time, no, nor ever shall be." (Matthew 24:21) 

I know I risk sounding like one of those people holding up a sign saying, "REPENT THE END IS NEAR!" It's not the first time I've been a little on that edge. Although, sometimes I feel a desperate desire to scream just that. Looking at the world as it is going now and looking to scripture, it's hard not too. 1Timothy 3:1-7 Sounds just like today: "But know this, that in the last days perilous times will come: For men will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, unloving, unforgiving, slanderers, without self-control, brutal, despisers of good, traitors, headstrong, haughty, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having a form of godliness but denying its power. And from such people turn away! For of this sort are those who creep into households and make captives of gullible women loaded down with sins, led away by various lusts, always learning and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth." However there is some redemption in vs 14-15, "But you must continue in the things which you have learned and been assured of, knowing from whom you have learned them, and that from childhood you have known the Holy Scriptures, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith which is in Christ Jesus. 

Many in our country seem to have or practice a "form of godliness, but denying its power..." They are fooled into thinking, because they are "good" and do "good" things they are Christians bound for heaven. They fail to see it's more than that. It's learning how to have and keep fellowship with the Lord, walking in His ways, not our own. It's grabbing hold of the truth in God's power that comes with salvation to everyone who believes, as spoken about Romans.  

Weak Christians can't be good witnesses to unbelievers and set the example we should be setting. Instead in our weakness we risk leading them astray or turning people away. Our lives, country, and world may seem out of control. That's when we should be careful to look to the ONE who holds our future in HIS hands and point others to the One who gives us HOPE. My hope and future rest in the one true God, Father, Creator, Holy Spirit, Jesus Christ, Savior of the world. Where is yours when you see the uncertainty in our world?

Spring Forth

10 Life's been a bit of a struggle lately. It's amazing how finances can put such a strain on a person and on relationships. My husband works so hard for us both. He works at two jobs, neither are his calling or what he wants to be doing. He's an ordained minister and he works in a restaurant and is a trainer in a factory.  Be that as it may, it puts money in the bank. One job is slightly more demanding, physically, while the other requires a little more mental stamina. Both keep him on his feet the whole time.

While at one time I have worked at three jobs, mentally and physically they completely wore me out! Currently I'm just working at my one job. Being a special education teaching assistant in a primary life skills classroom is something I've done for many years, I love it! Yet, recently I feel, all of the years have taken a toll on me mentally and physically. The average turnover rate for such a position is about 5 years. I've lasted 15, not all in the same school, though. Taking a huge pay cut almost two years ago when I changed school districts, makes the job a little harder to enjoy. On top of that, if there is a snow day, two hour delay, or some sort of break, I don't get paid. With student loans, car payments and other unforeseen debt we have acquired, along with daily living expenses my job isn't helping much.  Which puts further mental strain on my husband and I both.

 I've come to the realization that to keep with the current theme of my life, it's time for a new change. A career change. Who knew getting your foot in the door to some place new in a new town would be so difficult? Adding more stress and strain to a relationship. Now, we know neither God nor Satan caused this situation we find ourselves in to happen. It's just part of life in this broken world we live in. That doesn't mean that Satan won't get in there and start whispering lies. Trying to get me to believe that " I'm not good enough or worthy enough to find a better job." Or telling my husband that "I'm lazy and I'll never get a job and he'll have to be doing all the work to provide for us. All the bills and all the pressures will always be on him." It is Satan's goal to destroy families to destroy relationships. If he can get you to believe lies that your spouse is not going to contribute, work together in supporting each other, and care about you, It can really drive a wedged between two people. When this happens, people will either lash out at each other or withdraw for fear of hurting the other. Neither action is good for a relationship. It's important not to let Satan have that foothold. 

My marriage may not be perfect, but in my eyes I think it's pretty darn close. Here's a glimpse into my day today and how my Amazing Man shows his love and how he cares for me: My morning had already started off pretty bad. I had nothing to wear all my clothes (not that I have a lot, compared to most) are either dirty or I've gained too much weight to wear them. I was too tired at three in the morning to take my dog out when she was whining about it. Like a horrible mom to my little Roxy I made her wait until after I took a shower. I forgot about her wanting out at 3 until she was whining at the bathroom door. The poor dog, she didn't make it, and peed right outside the bathroom door. After dragging out the carpet cleaner, wearing my uncomfortable clothes and cleaning up the dog mess, I proceed to the kitchen where there's NO COFFEE, nothing to make breakfast, and nothing to make for lunch. We hadn't gone to the store in a while. This day just isn't looking great at all! 

I go to my room where my husband is still laying. I lay beside him and began to complain about my rough morning. He quietly listens while I lay beside him ranting, and then he gently remind sme it's time to get moving, we have to go to work. We get into the car and make our way towards my work he makes a little detour and I'm sitting there in all my grouchiness, wondering what he's doing. I'm going to be late. My Amazing man pulls into The closest Circle K, goes right in and buys me some coffee, breakfast, and something for lunch. Who's heart isn't going to melt at that?  He presented to me and said, you gotta have your coffee to face today and something to eat.  

We arrive at the school as the busses are lining up. I kiss my man good bye, feeling blessed as he leaves. I take two steps and drop my coffee on the ground. Like a water balloon, the cup bursts open and coffee is splashed across the sidewalk. I stood there just like a child looking back to see my husband driving away and I began stomping my foot and letting out a loud groan of frustration.  A near by bus driver sees me and says, "you didn't want that coffee anyway." I'm pretty sure I gave her the evil eye. Isn't that how life is? It's the accumulation of the little things that trip you up and cause you to do, say, and think things that aren't always of good character. So I ended up texting my husband to complain more, " I DROPPED IT ". Ya  know what? He made a special trip and brought me more. 

Now you know my Amazing Man works two jobs. However, today he got up a little bit earlier because we're down to one car for now, and he wanted to have time to go do laundry before he went to his first job. After finishing laundry and going to his first job at a restaurant he did the grocery shopping! At the end of my day, 

My day continued to go on just as it started, little irritations and minor conflicts kept parading themselves throughout my day. All the while my mind battled between focusing on our current financial situation and trying to give it up to the Lord and Ficus on Him, and to do my job as if I were doing it for Him. At least I have a job. It seemed like the day was a constant spiritual battle. 

Tim picked me up at work and I didn't really want to continue to complain more about my day, but man! So as we make our way to his second job he listened to me vent. Before I left him at his job, he suggested that I don't go straight home, I should stop at the park and hang out by the river and have some time with the Lord. He also suggested I should have the women at my Bible study pray over me tonight. I didn't want to do either, but what would it hurt? 

As I absorb the warm sun reflecting off the water, I close my eyes, exhale and just give it all to the Lord. It was there I noticed all the signs of spring, a new season was finally here. It was there I was led to the following verses:

Mercy and truth have met together;
Righteousness and peace have kissed.
11 Truth shall spring out of the earth,
And righteousness shall look down from heaven.
12 Yes, the Lord will give what is good;
And our land will yield its increase.

Psalm 85:10-12

Behold, I will do a new thing, Now it shall springforth; Shall you not know it? I will even make a road in the wilderness And rivers in the desert.

Isaiah 43:19

For as the earth brings forth its bud, As the garden causes the things that are sown in it to spring forth, So the Lord God will cause righteousness and praise to spring forth before all the nations.

Isaiah 61:11 

God is doing a work, my current situation is just a season in life. He is making a way and soon our situation will change like winter changes to spring. Peace washed over me as He whispered these truths to my heart. He is about to do great things. I stayed a while to enjoy the view and take a couple pictures.

At Bible study I gained the courage to ask for prayer. I've never done that before, especially from a group of people. I haven't really ever had friends who would just pray for or with me, here I had a group of women who lent a hand and prayed powerful prayers over me. I don't know if they felt it or not. But I felt the presence of the Lord in a way I never have before. I can't really even put into words what I felt. It was physical, emotional, and I suppose spiritual feeling all at the same time. I wanted to hold on to that feeling as long as I could. I replayed the the prayers of the women in my head as well as the time at the park on the drive home. 

God is making things new again. They will spring forth and all will be for His glory and righteousness. Like struggling through winter and knowing with out a doubt spring and all its beauty is sure to come, so is my life right now. 

Thank you Lord for planting the seeds of hope in my heart today, help me not to forget to take the time to watch  and see what springs forth.

My hope and future will always rest in the promises of the Lord and the knowledge that situations in life are just like seasons, I will take time to look for the righteous in each one. 

Where is your hope and future today?

Silence

Silence


How often do you pray with the expectation that God will answer, but then He doesn't? It seems like He isn’t even listening. I have often struggled with the feeling that God just isn't listening. Oh, I've seen lots of answered prayer! Some very incredible prayers, just in the past couple of years. So I don't  doubt God answers, I just have often felt He doesn't always hear me. Or more so, that I can't hear Him.

Here’s an example from last Sunday’s celebration service we had at church. Not only was it a service for celebrating, it was also a time of praise and worship, prayer, deliverance and healing. Now, I have recently joined the prayer team at church...a little hesitantly. I don't hesitate because I don't believe that is where God is leading. I hesitate out of fear of  social awkwardness and fear do doing or saying the wrong thing. However, I do feel in this area, God is pushing me to step into this position. Here is where my problem came in. I prayed, expecting  God to show up, to fill me with His presence and to just set my soul on fire for the people  who were about to enter the church. I wanted to be excited about it like everyone else was. I wanted to feel that electricity many people seemed to be feeling, including my husband. I felt unplugged and like I was missing out on something.

This is often the case when I am at this type of event. Why isn’t God letting me in on all the stuff everyone  else seems to get? And that was my focus for much of the time I was at church. About me and what I was lacking and what I felt God wasn't giving me. Where was God? Why didn't I feel Him?

Now, because things like this seem to happen to me often, I'm beginning to catch on to what is really happening. It just takes a bit to sink in. It's all about perception! What I see as God not listening, caring, being silent, or just leaving me out there after He pushed and I finally  gave in, is just my perception of reality. It is how it looks and feels to me but isn't really how it is. What actually happened that day at church was that God did show up in a huge way! Amazing testimonies were given, lives were impacted, through live streaming thousands of people were a part of it all!

So, no matter how much I “feel” He isn’t there Acts 17:28 says, “for in him we live and move and have our being…” Besides that, Hebrews  13:5 is something I should have focused on earlier, before church; Reminding me  not worry that I wasn't having the same experience  everyone else seemed to have. It says, “Let your conduct be without covetousness; be content with such things as you have. For He Himself has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” We are called to trust in His promises over our perception.

Do you ever notice, when there is something you really want, that is just out of reach, you do whatever is necessary to obtain  it? As soon as someone says you can't  have something, you want it more. I read an article called When God Seems Silent by John Bloom of Desiring  God. He suggested “absence heightens  desire. And the more heightened  the  desire, the  greater  its  satisfaction  will  be. It is the  mourning  that  will  know  the  joy  of  comfort. (Matthew 5:4). It is the hungry and thirsty that will be satisfied (Matthew 5:6). Longing makes us ask, emptiness makes us seek, silence makes us knock (Luke 11:9).” Bloom put ,my very thought into the following  words, “So you desire God and ask for more of him and what do you get? Stuck in a desert feeling deserted. You feel disoriented and desperate. Don’t despair. The silence, the absence is phenomenological. It’s how it feels, it’s not how it is. You are not alone. God is with you”

While in the middle of my 22 year relationship  with my ex there were many nights I stayed up crying out to God, feeling that He abandoned  me because  of the decisions  I made in my past. Especially  the  relationships I chose  and  the things I allowed in my life. I was too used up and broken for Him to want to answer any pathetic prayer I had. I was forever going to live in that situation shrouded in fear, loneliness, and sadness and that is just how it was going to be. I know that wasn't the truth. He was there in the middle of it all, but I could only see through my perspective, clouded by my emotions.  I wasn't at all trying to seek the truth, I was only focused on the why and how come of my situation, not the what. What was God doing all that time? He was listening, His heart was breaking with mine. He was preparing something better for me, I just couldn't see it yet.

Again I'll pull out this scripture. A running theme to my blog posts, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11
God has given me hope and a future! I am so far removed from that old life on to something new! I have an amazing marriage I never thought was possible. I have no doubt I am loved. My home is a sanctuary, where the peace of God rules.

Life isn't without challenge, and boy do we have them! I sometimes still fail to realize God hears me, I can only see from my own perception. If I move towards Him, I'll get a better view of true reality and learn what it is to live by faith and not just sight as 2 Corinthians 5:7 says.

As I've taken over a week to reflect on and type out this blog, I'm realizing and I'm sure I  will need constant reminders that praying for others and ourselves as well as knowing you're in the presence of the Lord just takes faith. That's it. Sounds easy enough. But in our humanness, my humanness, I get all caught up in the circumstances of life, complicated by the harassment of the devil. Faith is the evidence of things unseen, that changes or effects the circumstances we see and live in. I've experienced a lot of that evidence in my lifetime. I can't let fear, false evidence appearing real, get in the way of truth. It's important to continue to keep reminded of what the Lord is doing and has done in our life, in my lifetime. It's all about perception. Does your hope and future lie in the weakness of your own perception or in the faith we're all called to walk in?

Invite Him to Change the Atmosphere to Improve Your Environment

Atmosphere and environmental elements are easily overlooked when defining the power or lack of power you hold during spiritual battle. Life is a spiritual battle. It's the day to day, wake up, go do the things, come home, go to sleep, get up, and do it again, battle. Some days seem like a full on war, while others couldn't be any more peaceful or joyful. Yet, because we're in the battle, that peace and joy is only temporary.

There is a constant unseen battle between forces of good and evil that surrounds us daily. I know, that sounds like some fantasy cliche. Although, did you ever stop to think, maybe that's why we love those type of fantasies and stories about the fight between good and evil? Look at the great and popular stories like, The Chronicles of Narnia, Lord of the Rings, Beowulf, Star Wars, Harry Potter, and the nursery rhymes, children's stories and fairytales. It's engrained in our very being. We have the whole story planted in us. The environment or atmosphere we are surrounded by will affect the way the story grows and plays out. 

Environment- the whole collection of surrounding things, conditions, or influences

































Atmosphere-the pervading tone, mood, or feel of a place.







 

Many things affect our environment, and or the atmosphere around us. Some things include: history and mixture of different cultures, spiritual strongholds created by having a false understanding of who God is and who you are in Christ. Others include: memories and emotions, some hurt or unhealed  from the past or current situations, preconceived ideas, opinions, and judgement based on politics, organizations, or people you associate with.  I believe our expectations about a future  hope we thought to be true or untrue are also a huge factor in shaping the atmosphere and environment we live in. Recently I read somewhere, "God created us with seven needs: (1) dignity, (2) authority, (3) blessing and provision, (4) security, (5) purpose and meaning, (6) freedom and boundaries, and (7) love and companionship. Whenever we seek to meet one or more of these basic needs outside God's design, we have set the stage for the development of a generational stronghold." The fall of man is when the generational stronghold began.

God The Father, God The Son, And God The Holy Spirit, the "Three in One" had so much love that He created Adam and Eve. He created them to have fellowship with and to have a target to pour out his love upon. He created a perfect place for them. It's atmosphere and environment contained everything they needed to live and grow spiritually, to enjoy and develop a life of fellowship with God and each other, with out pain or sorrow. A place of pure love, peace, and joy, we will never know this side of heaven. All that changed when man sought to fulfill his basic needs outside of God's perfect plan. One day soon His perfect plan will be restored to the glory and beauty Adam and Eve once knew.

Today, many generations removed from Adam and Eve, the atmosphere and environment has drastically changed. In some areas spirituality and fellowship with the Lord has been completely chocked out. In others, it is struggling to survive. Our atmosphere and environment have been polluted by man's desire to be independent from any God and free thinking. The desire society has to learn on their own, do it their own way, and please theirselves has pushed The Father so far away that the love He has for His creation has become tainted and unrecognizable. 

I can look back on my life today, see areas where I have allowed different influences in and out of my life, and sought to fulfill my basic needs on my own, weather consciously or subconsciously. Sometimes thinking I was doing it all for the right reasons under the guise of, " I believe this is what God wants for me." While looking back, I can see where and how the atmosphere, had me in a strong hold causing me to starve spiritually. When the atmosphere changes so does the environment and vice versa. 

At a young age I looked to man to fulfill the love I thought I was missing out on. Placing myself in situations that altered the atmosphere leaving me feeling less loved, respected, and secure. I was looking out side of God's plan. Plunging me into deep depression often fueled by anxiety. After years of living that way my environment completely changed physically and spiritually (as you may know from previous blog posts, especially my first one) for 22 years. 

The environment was so drastically changed none of my needs of dignity, authority, blessing and provision, security, purpose and meaning, freedom and boundaries, and love and companionship were being met. There came a time when I sought the Lord but I didn't give Him full control, I continued to hold back, as my expectations of hope and a future that included God's love were so tainted, I couldn't see the truth of what He really had for me. 

So while at times the atmosphere cleared up and it became easier to breathe, it didn't last long and the environment didn't change. I was week and lacked boldness (which by the way I'm still working on)  I grew weary of fighting the battle on my own not realizing the battle was never mine to fight!

There came a time I had to pray just like King Jehoshaphat in 2 Chronicles 20:12 ".....nor do we know what to do, but our eyes are on you." Jehoshaphat prayed and God answered. Verse 15-17 says, "And he said, “Listen, all you of Judah and you inhabitants of Jerusalem, and you, King Jehoshaphat! Thus says the Lord to you: ‘Do not be afraid nor dismayed because of this great multitude, for the battle is not yours, but God’s. 16 Tomorrow go down against them. They will surely come up by the Ascent of Ziz, and you will find them at the end of the brook before the Wilderness of Jeruel. 17 You will not need to fight in this battle. Position yourselves, stand still and see the salvation of the Lord, who is with you, O Judah and Jerusalem!’ Do not fear or be dismayed; tomorrow go out against them, for the Lord is with you.”

God doesn't require a lot from us, just that we are faithful and watch. He told the King it wasn't his battle, he didn't have to fight. But then he said, go out against them. They were to just show up and be positioned, that's all.  To be positioned is to anchor yourself. While positioned you may bend, twist, and turn but not break as long as your eyes are on the Lord. Position  yourself, stand still, watch God do His work. The battle is not yours. Go and be positioned. You watch God change your situation.

 God just wants you to be faithful and show up. You need to show up. When you show up, God shows off. If you confront it, He'll fight it! God requires you to show up so you can see His works. Many refuse to show up, they are afraid to face their fear or bad situation. There were so many times in my life while battling depression my way or man's way, I just could not show up for anything. In fact, I didn't want to, and just didn't. Depression and anxiety were my environment. I had to invite God in to change the atmosphere in order to develop an environment worth showing up for. 

The battle still rages and the atmosphere still changes depending on what I allow to influence my environment. If I'm praising God with my mouth and worshipping Him with my actions, He is here in the environment in the atmosphere, He is in the center of it all. AND in that center there is love, the love I sought for so long. It's where my needs are met and my life is good. Oh, there are struggles and I'm sometimes bent so far I fear I might break, but in His presence there is peace. When I don't know what to do, I need to remember to look to my Father God, the one who created me and let Him fight the battle. My hope and future is in Him, where is yours? 

"Holy Spirit, You are welcome here

Come flood this place and fill the atmosphere

Your glory, God, is what our hearts long for

To be overcome by Your presence, Lord"

- Kari Jobe, "Holy Spirit"

If You Don't Deal With It, the Past Will Continue to Bite at You

If you don't deal with it, the past will continue to bite at you.

Have you been struggling to hear from God, searching for direction, or just asking what He wants from you? I have. I've really been trying to set aside quiet time to be still, wait and listen. I learned something... It's not always that we can't hear God, we don't always like to hear what He says. It became very clear to me today after pushing it away for a while, that there were things from my past I haven't completely taken care of. How can I minister to people, encourage them to deal with issues and pray over them if I haven't done the same in my life. Is it easier to say ‘Your sins are forgiven,’ or ‘Stand up and walk’? (Luke 5:23) It's been easier for me to say I forgive, give forgiveness, and say I accept  forgiveness, but to walk in it, is a greater challenge.

So, God poked and prodded me into writing the following letter and half way through it He decided I'd share it in my blog after I sent it. How can anyone seek out hope in the future God has for you, if you find let Him take care of the past?

Hello,

Surprise! Bet you didn't expect to hear from me, eh? The Lord has really put you on my heart lately. I've tried to push the thought away but it kept returning, so apparently God wants me to tell you what's been on my heart for quite some time. I know shortly after Tim and I were married you sent him a message of gratitude and he let you know that he knew our history and believed I didn't want any contact with you. I don't know if you understand what a difficult spot it is for me to explain to my husband, or anyone for that matter why you're not in my life. I understand why it would be difficult for you, but I can't exactly step into your shoes and see it from your point of view, you can't do the same for me.

I'm not sending you a message to rehash old wounds, to ask questions, accuse, or blame. I just feel there are still some pieces that aren't quiet healed yet, in both of us. That healing will only come from forgiveness. Forgivenesses doesn't mean I'm willing to have a relationship, it just means I'm letting go of all the hurt, pain, blame, and confusion, while giving you the opportunity to do the same. There have been many times I've said, "oh, I've forgiven, moved on, it's no longer an issue." But, I think there are small pieces I managed to hold on to. 

First, I want to say, " contrary to what the rest of my family would like to believe, you are not to blame for all the problems, issues, and poor decisions I've made in my life." What happened, happened. It was wrong, horrible, and in human eyes, unforgivable. When you left my life, really left my life, for me, it was over. 

Although, the I've heard accusations from other people, I can't speak to anyone else's experiences, encounters, or life with you. That's not my place or purpose. I forgive you for the sexual abuse that took place while you were still married to my mom and living with us. 

However, the harder things to forgive are the lies and stories you told for years after you moved out, to impress, divert real issues, and or make yourself look better; trying to appear as someone you're not. For a time I possessed those traits as well. Secondly, I'm letting go of that hurt and releasing you from blame. There comes a time a person knows right from wrong and they can't use their past abuse or hurts, or the way they were raised, as an excuse, as to why they make the choices they make. 

Third, I've struggled over the years knowing I had a dad somewhere out there, that could never fill the role of dad or now, grandpa and great grandpa. Instead, I worried if he's out there hurting other people. I wondered if you went on having a better life than me and mad if you did, thinking you didn't deserve it. There is part of me that felt like you deserved to be forever punished. But you know what? Jesus doesn't treat people that way. He has grace and mercy for EVERYONE! 

In God's eyes, a sin is a sin, no matter how big or small. It is not my job to take inventory of another person's life and it is not my job to judge. If I came to Jesus and asked for forgiveness for the lies I've told and the people I hurt in my life time, He would extend grace and mercy to me. Am I greater than the God of the universe? The one true perfect God of all? No! Compared to HIM, I'm no more than a speck of dust, sitting in the back corner of a room, somewhere that has been forgotten about. But, He sees me, who I truly am and loves me anyway. Who am I to judge or withhold anything? 

I don't know where your walk with the Lord is at, or if you even have one. If I asked you about it, I'm not sure I'd believe anything you said, but again that's not my job to make a judgement. Letting go means it's all between you and God now. I'm letting go of all the past hurt, the blame, and excuses. You're free from my hanging on to any shred of hurt, judgement, or bitterness.

Finally, I pray that God would do an amazing work in your life and bring healing to your heart and bless you richly. 

Dee Dee