If You Don't Deal With It, the Past Will Continue to Bite at You

If you don't deal with it, the past will continue to bite at you.

Have you been struggling to hear from God, searching for direction, or just asking what He wants from you? I have. I've really been trying to set aside quiet time to be still, wait and listen. I learned something... It's not always that we can't hear God, we don't always like to hear what He says. It became very clear to me today after pushing it away for a while, that there were things from my past I haven't completely taken care of. How can I minister to people, encourage them to deal with issues and pray over them if I haven't done the same in my life. Is it easier to say ‘Your sins are forgiven,’ or ‘Stand up and walk’? (Luke 5:23) It's been easier for me to say I forgive, give forgiveness, and say I accept  forgiveness, but to walk in it, is a greater challenge.

So, God poked and prodded me into writing the following letter and half way through it He decided I'd share it in my blog after I sent it. How can anyone seek out hope in the future God has for you, if you find let Him take care of the past?

Hello,

Surprise! Bet you didn't expect to hear from me, eh? The Lord has really put you on my heart lately. I've tried to push the thought away but it kept returning, so apparently God wants me to tell you what's been on my heart for quite some time. I know shortly after Tim and I were married you sent him a message of gratitude and he let you know that he knew our history and believed I didn't want any contact with you. I don't know if you understand what a difficult spot it is for me to explain to my husband, or anyone for that matter why you're not in my life. I understand why it would be difficult for you, but I can't exactly step into your shoes and see it from your point of view, you can't do the same for me.

I'm not sending you a message to rehash old wounds, to ask questions, accuse, or blame. I just feel there are still some pieces that aren't quiet healed yet, in both of us. That healing will only come from forgiveness. Forgivenesses doesn't mean I'm willing to have a relationship, it just means I'm letting go of all the hurt, pain, blame, and confusion, while giving you the opportunity to do the same. There have been many times I've said, "oh, I've forgiven, moved on, it's no longer an issue." But, I think there are small pieces I managed to hold on to. 

First, I want to say, " contrary to what the rest of my family would like to believe, you are not to blame for all the problems, issues, and poor decisions I've made in my life." What happened, happened. It was wrong, horrible, and in human eyes, unforgivable. When you left my life, really left my life, for me, it was over. 

Although, the I've heard accusations from other people, I can't speak to anyone else's experiences, encounters, or life with you. That's not my place or purpose. I forgive you for the sexual abuse that took place while you were still married to my mom and living with us. 

However, the harder things to forgive are the lies and stories you told for years after you moved out, to impress, divert real issues, and or make yourself look better; trying to appear as someone you're not. For a time I possessed those traits as well. Secondly, I'm letting go of that hurt and releasing you from blame. There comes a time a person knows right from wrong and they can't use their past abuse or hurts, or the way they were raised, as an excuse, as to why they make the choices they make. 

Third, I've struggled over the years knowing I had a dad somewhere out there, that could never fill the role of dad or now, grandpa and great grandpa. Instead, I worried if he's out there hurting other people. I wondered if you went on having a better life than me and mad if you did, thinking you didn't deserve it. There is part of me that felt like you deserved to be forever punished. But you know what? Jesus doesn't treat people that way. He has grace and mercy for EVERYONE! 

In God's eyes, a sin is a sin, no matter how big or small. It is not my job to take inventory of another person's life and it is not my job to judge. If I came to Jesus and asked for forgiveness for the lies I've told and the people I hurt in my life time, He would extend grace and mercy to me. Am I greater than the God of the universe? The one true perfect God of all? No! Compared to HIM, I'm no more than a speck of dust, sitting in the back corner of a room, somewhere that has been forgotten about. But, He sees me, who I truly am and loves me anyway. Who am I to judge or withhold anything? 

I don't know where your walk with the Lord is at, or if you even have one. If I asked you about it, I'm not sure I'd believe anything you said, but again that's not my job to make a judgement. Letting go means it's all between you and God now. I'm letting go of all the past hurt, the blame, and excuses. You're free from my hanging on to any shred of hurt, judgement, or bitterness.

Finally, I pray that God would do an amazing work in your life and bring healing to your heart and bless you richly. 

Dee Dee