God has really been using the messages given by the pastor at my church, the current group Bible study I'm in, and of course my Amazing Man to speak incredible truth into my life. There aren't any new truths, as God said there is nothing new under the sun, but new layers of truth are revealed in order to see more clearly what God is pointing to. And I'm just now getting it. For a few weeks those old enemies, anxiety and depression have really been attacking me.
However, after deciding not to give in and just continue to press into those places God is leading, whether I feel so anxious I'm going to die, or at the very least, pass out or not..I think I'm starting to hear and understand a little better when God is trying to get ahold of me. (By the way, I haven't died or passed out yet.) So I just take a week or so and write a blog and make the devil pay a toll by giving the glory back to God!
While I may have been saved at the young age of 11 years old, like you read in my first blog post, and believe I have had a relationship with the Lord all these 33 years, it's only been in the past year or so that I realized, I may have grown in the Lord, and have depended on Him for my existence, but that is all the relationship was. Depending on Him to exist and survive. Like a baby depends on their parents. They don't understand true love yet. Babies just understand they have a need, they look to their parents to fulfill that need, and when it is fulfilled, they are content. They are growing and feel fulfilled but it takes time to mature.
I think for so long I have stayed in that child stage. Not really mature or as mature as I should or could be. I just knew, as I said in my first blog post, "I had a need not to be alone, feel rejected, or abandoned. I had a need for a loving father who loved me for me, because he created me. Not for what I can do for Him. I may not have fully understood the meaning of salvation until I was much older." Yet, today, I'm still learning; there is more to learn about the precious gift of salvation, and the relationship God wants to have with us.
Therefore I remind you to stir up the gift of God which is in you through the laying on of my hands. ( 2 Tim 1:6 NKJV)
6 For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands. ( 2 Timothy 1:6 NIV)
Wow! 2 Timothy 1:6, The verse just before one of my most important life verses. How could I have missed it for so long? Ya know, the Greek word for gift is charisma, which is a gift of grace, an undeserved gift from God, referring to not only salvation but gifts of the spirit.
God lit the fire in your heart! In my heart! It happened when we came to Him and received salvation! The fire was lit and gifts of the spirit were distributed as He felt necessary. It is up to us to keep the fire going and to work and flow in the gifts of the spirit as He sees fit. Not just when it is convenient for us. ( Those last few lines didn't necessarily come from me, because to me, it's a bit anxiety provoking) So when I feel my light isn't burning like it once was, I suppose there are some things I should be doing to stoke up the flame.
Since coming to the realization, that I needed and wanted that relationship with the Lord, and receiving the gift of salvation, I've had many times of growth and rededication. I've also had many times in my life where I have strayed, allowed certain things, people, and relationships to influence and even alter the direction my life was headed, not always in a good direction. I've had to turn around many times, often feeling like I was at square one. Isn't it wonderful we serve a God of second, third, even 70 times 7 chances?
The wounds of the past, due to my poor choices, and some times the choices made for me, may be healed, but not with out scars left behind. The amazing thing about scars is that they were once wounds that were a bloody mess, but through the cleansing and healing of the Holy Spirit, they no longer fester and ooze. Scars remind us where we've come from, and what we've been saved, cleansed, and healed of. Even as Thomas in John 20:27 understands, Jesus is recognized by His scars. It wasn't His sin but ours that caused the scars. He shares in them to be used as a reminder to give testimony of God's unfailing love.
Being in this new marriage I'm in, and sharing this new life, I have been given a new glimpse of God's love, and what a Godly relationship should be like. Most importantly what His love looks like. Things are so much better these days. As I look back through my past and all the events that took place to get me here, it reminds me of the way precious metals are refined. To remove all the impurities, to make it stronger and more valuable, it must go through the fire! And I've been through some pretty hot flames, often raging infernos. With out it all, I don't think I would appreciate the life I have now.
My husband and I live a pretty simple life with hardly any material possessions in comparison to many in our country and even some around us, we don't go on extravagant vacations, or own fancy cars, or anything like that. All of our furniture is second hand and mostly free, we live in a tiny one bedroom apartment that costs way too much, we barely make it pay check to pay check, no matter how hard we ( I should say my husband. He works harder than I) work. Yet, we appreciate all that we have more than we did when we had the "stuff" before we lost it ALL (my husband had much more to loose than I). Life isn't about the stuff, it's about where your heart is for the Lord. About the relationship you keep with Him, and moving forward. Psalm 24:3-5 says, "Who may ascend the mountain of the Lord?
Who may stand in his holy place?
4 The one who has clean hands and a pure heart,
who does not trust in an idol
or swear by a false god."
4 The one who has clean hands and a pure heart,
who does not trust in an idol
or swear by a false god."
It is my desire to receive and keep clean hands and a pure heart, after emerging from the refining flames, in order to stay aware of and or recognize the presence of the Lord. It's in the presence of the Lord we find our hope and future.
While I've been fighting back the darkness, like a mist around the edges of my mind, and the anxiety that wants to creep into my thoughts these past couple of weeks, I've used this post I'm writing here, and my current Bible study to help stay focused on Him. In doing so, a thought has been trying to settle in my heart since last night's Bible study...
Ya ever feel like one of those people who never seem to catch a break, while you watch others around you who seem to get everything handed to them? Maybe not everything, but things just come to them naturally, and they probably don't even pray about it. You pray about it, you work hard, and you do your best in all your humanness to live "a good Christian life", and you still seem to miss out. It's frustrating to pray for something for so long and seeming to never get it, or feel your prayer wasn't heard, or think it's been delayed by some action or inaction you took or didn't take?! The thought I struggle with, yet know I MUST BELIEVE IT, or loose my mind over current situations, is this: "It doesn't come naturally because there is no glory in that. My prayers are heard and answered, either now or in the future. It's in a supernatural way so that there would be no denying that the answer or solution came from God the Father who loves me more than anyone else could, which further reveals His glory." I've seen that supernatural answer after praying for the same thing for almost 20 years! So, I know God hears and answers in His time for a reason, grater than our limited minds can understand.
However, tonight in all my messiness and inability to see the whole picture, my hope and future seem a little distorted and veiled. I am thankful, I know He is on the other side of the veil and when the time is right, He will lift it and show me more of what I need to see in order to increase my faith and keep me moving forward. Until then, I won't give up my hope in knowing He holds my future, and I know it's better than anything I could ever dream. In the mean time I could use some of that supernatural intervention in my life.
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