Hope and a Future
First ever blog, it’s been on my heart for a while now, I guess I just jump in and go! I appreciate suggestions and comments along the way. I pray if anything I post is helpful, or gets you thinking, it will get shared.
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
-Jeremiah 29:11
How many times have I needed to be reminded of that? How many times have I failed to believe its truth? More than I can count, however lately, less often, if at all. I'm living that truth. Yet it doesn't mean in all my humanness that I don't have moments of regression.
Recently someone commented on my husband and I as being, “a joyful couple”. That thought really stuck with me. Being a part of a joyful couple, heck being a part of a functioning couple would have been unfathomable just a few short years ago. In fact, being a part of a joyful anything for many years of my life seemed unattainable.
For a long time I lived with little hope and doubted God had much of a future for me. Although, if I look back through my life, how could I ever doubt? I went through a lot of struggle from the very beginning, but never had any idea it would bring me to a future and the present I now live in!
I was born two months premature in Southern California, November of 1971 and weighed 3 pounds 4 ounces. I wasn’t expected to live after my heart stopped however, God had other plans. My aunt had prayed a prayer that if I lived, she would do whatever it took for me to grow up into a godly woman. Little did she know, she’d have a battle on her hands. By age 11 I already knew, what it meant to deal with loneliness, abandonment, sexual abuse, rejection, and alcoholism.
While on a camping trip during Easter weekend 1982 I surrendered my heart to the Lord.. I don’t remember the whole conversation that night, but I did realize that I had a need. I had a need not to be alone, feel rejected, or abandoned. I had a need for a loving father who loved me for me, because he created me. Not for what I could do for him. I may not have fully understood the meaning of salvation until I was much older. But I accepted that gift and wanted to believe that I was loved, lovable, and worthy.
Accepting the gift of salvation doesn’t guarantee you a perfect or even easy life. Satan can no longer have your soul, he will do what he can to make your life here on Earth miserable. Which is mostly, just whispering lies. As I entered my teen years, the old lies of being unlovable and unworthy echoed all around me. Trying to be a teen and going through the normal teen issues, as well as acting as the adult in a chaotic household led to depression, self-destructive behavior, and three stays in a mental institution for months at a time. At a time when the practice of psychiatric treatment and medication were taking a huge turn in the way people were looked at or treated.
With each stay more medication was given and a new label or psychosis was added to my name: From depressed, anxious, suicidal, child of an alcoholic, to having a dissociative disorder, panic attacks, who was self destructive, sexually abused, the labels for what was wrong with me continued to pile up...in short a crazy person. With each new label my hope and future chipped away. I began to spin out of control by drinking and entering relationships that I knew in my heart weren’t right.
BUT THEN, in the middle of it all during one of the darkest times on the locked unit, I was reminded, “God didn’t give me the spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind.” (2 Timothy 1:7) I HAD A SOUND MIND and I was going to be ok!!! I decided to get my life back on track, I found "my way" out. However it was in my own way, not God’s. Although, I claimed the belief in having a sound mind, which meant I no longer had to live in fear and all of those labels fell away, I still felt unworthy of God’s love as I had failed Him in so many ways. I tried to redeem myself in my own way which just ended up in failure. In a moment of weakness and giving into the pressures of life I found myself in a life altering situation.
At age 19, I was pregnant by a person I hardly knew who had moved away from California to Indiana. Again, I was trying to make the situation right in my own way and accepted the offer to move to Indiana and start a new life. I was told by my mother that I could stay in California and we would “fix” the problem. When it was clear to my mother that I was going to move to Indiana, I was told that I could not return. So I left.
I traded one set of problems for another. The night I got to Indiana I lost that baby and felt so alone and punished for my decisions. This began a 22 year relationship with an angry, controlling, alcoholic/drug addict. When I became pregnant again with my son, and shortly after spent some time being homeless in an old Suburban truck, I made a decision I would do whatever was in my power to live for the Lord. I was not going to be a mother like my own and I had to make sure my child had the Lord in his life.
By the time my son was three and I had been attending a church for a couple years, I was convicted again about my living situation. I thought I needed to get married and that would fix everything. Almost a year after getting married, my daughter was born. She had many health issues, that added new struggles in an already difficult marriage. Each new responsibility that entered our marriage caused my husband’s actions to worsen.
The drinking, drugs, anger, and rage aimed at my kids and I escalated. I lost more and more of myself. The only truth I could hold on to was that I knew that anything ment for evil against me, God could use for good. I learned that I can be content in every situation as Philippians 4:12 says. While I knew and trusted in these things, I didn’t understand why all the praying and “being good” wouldn’t change my situation. Why nobody seemed to want to help.
I felt like my family looked like a car wreck on the side of the road. Many people would pass by not looking, doing their best to avoid us, some would slow down, roll down their windows and offer a Bible verse that would have helped me avoid the situation, or say that they are praying for me. No one was interested in coming along side of us, getting out of the car and truly helping bandage the wounds, we were too messy. There were times I thought people were concerned or tried to be my friend, instead I was made their “project.”
Through it all, I knew, “The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance”, that's what we're told in 2Peter 3:9. After 22 years of trying to do things on my own, including my own way of living for the Lord, I realized God could not bless something that was never in His will to begin with. I decided I would NO LONGER TELL GOD NO ABOUT ANYTHING. I would give Him every aspect of my life! I was reminded of the verse Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” I wanted that hope and future, and was determined to do whatever God called me to do in order to obtain it!
Within a year, I was offered a job that would allowed me to support myself and my daughter, I started attending a new church, my daughter and I left my abusive husband taking just our clothes, a Bible, and a photo album. I took my first full check from that new job and put it all into getting an apartment. Sitting in an empty apartment with hardly any food felt like the safest and most free place to be.
New challenges continue to come at me all the time. Some feel very overwhelming, but with God I know all things are possible and He has given me peace that passes all understanding. I feel equipped to handle anything that comes my way and I will continue to say yes to where ever the Lord is leading, even if at times humanness sneaks in and fear tries to stop me. I am redeemed, I am NOT THAT PERSON I WAS, and nothing or no one can take that away! Every day I will be willing to step out in faith and embrace change, never look back and thank God for the change!
****I wrote the above testimony a little over a year ago (recently edited, re-edited and cleaned it up some) I have been asked to give this testimony at a few woman’s groups. Although I was very hesitant about it as I find it very awkward to talk about myself. I’ve come to learn however, THAT THIS IS JUST AS MUCH “HIS STORY” AS IT IS MY HISTORY. As I grow in faith and strength His story ontinues to grow, and get even better.
Since I first sat down to write my testimony about three years ago, I’ve met the love of my life, my Amazing Man! Now, I guess you could say we are “a joyful couple”. We’ve both overcome tremendous obstacles in our life that made us who we are today. God put us together at the right time, for a purpose much greater than our own. Together we serve HIM, together we look to HIM, He’s in the center of it all, and together we are BLESSED BY HIM!
We’ve started our life completely over in a new town with new jobs, all our children are just about grown and out of the house. Between the two of us we have 6 kids, and as of today 9 grandchildren with one in the way.
Every weekend we’re taking little mini adventures exploring wherever the Lord leads us, and at times, stopping along the way to pray for people we don’t even know. OUR LIFE IS FULL OF HOPE, ADVENTURE, AND A FUTURE!
It is my hope that this blog will be an encouragement to anyone who stops by. Anyone who has doubted their future and lost their hope, whether in relationships with family, spouses, the Lord or even yourself. I'll write about what God is teaching me during my life adventure and about things that are on my heart. I may not know it all, I'm still imperfect and messy, and old lies from the devil try to creep in, but I know God is in control and has my best interest always in mind. Therefore, it is also my hope this blog will show examples of redemption, hope, and a blessed future.
If find yourself where I was…taking matters into your own hands, doing it your way, and hoping something good happens, know God loves you, His heart is for you. Never will He leave you! He, truly has a future and hope for you too if you just surrender to Him and His ways. When you surrender all, be prepared for the greatest adventure of all, full of hope and a future called, LIFE!
~Deeds
***Edited and revised 25 February 2016
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