Two years ago I was sitting in a sparsely furnished apartment sleeping on the floor. That's where My daughter and I first found freedom and safety, but not a whole lot of comfort, yet it was ours . All the years of tears and trials were over. I had no idea what was ahead of me. No future was planned, I never had the luxury of planning for the future. My life was about existing and surviving the moment.
Not much time passed from that moment to when my daughter moved out, both of my kids were now doing their own things starting out on their own life adventures. It was then I was faced with some incredible loneliness.
***I had all of these new and wonderful blessings, I was still incredibly alone. I have always felt alone, but this was alone on a whole different level. My heart had been crying out for such a long time for a person to share my life with and to share God's blessings with. Loneliness mixed with human desperation can make you do some pretty crazy things, like visit dating sites and just talk to guys, date some of them, have long texting sessions, and even talk some into going back with their wives (yes I did that, a few times). But that can only hold you for so long, before you become discouraged and ready to give up and forget the idea all together. Alone forever, how bad can that really be? Does God really want me on this site any way?
As I was having this battle, about to delete my profile, and again placing it all back in God’s hands to allow His timing, not my own (even though I specifically prayed for Him to give me a man in my timing not HIS, because I don't do this alone thing very well) there was a man just as broken and wounded by his own actions, failures, and loneliness as I was, praying the same prayers and about to delete his profile and give it up. Then, our paths crossed at the same time! He sent me a message that I almost didn’t respond to. It was so long and sounded fake. Nobody could say those words to someone they haven’t met and mean them. Nobody is that good. Although, something in me needed to respond. So I did, and before I was finished with my response he sent me another message. Really?! I tried to stay guarded, I didn't want to get sucked in. He asked if he could call me but to pray about it first. (Give my number to a stranger?) So after a long string of messages, a prayer, a phone call, and a prayer together, we met at Starbucks, stayed until they closed! All in one night! Who does this?! Since then we have seen each other every weekend and sometimes a day or two in between. Up until we got married. We talked first thing in the morning and last thing at night with texts in between. We took a long weekend trip to the Smokey Mountains (yes, we kept this relationship pure for the Lord! That was a difficult temptation!!) Our conversations were deep, honest, open and truthful.
He knows and understands more about me in this short time we've been together than my ex ever did in 22 years. We didn't even seem to go through that trying to impress stage. In fact I think by telling each other all of out junk we were trying to scare each other off, but it just didn't happen. a month h into our relationship we took a trip to Tennessee Smoky Mountains. During that trip to the Smokies, we climbed a mountain together which became a true God moment! Talk about mountain top experiences. In this man I find courage, safety,through him, I see and feel God's love for me in a way I never felt or knew possible, I see a future and a plan/ God's future and plan.
God always seems to work in my life when I am about to quit and give up. God uses all things for is glory. He uses painful pasts, mistakes, regrets, failures, success, and even dating sites. He used all of my past junk to make me into the woman Tim needs to stand by his side and support him in any area God leads him into. love this godly man and I am determined to protect his heart with my life while keeping God at the center.
I didn't know that humans felt love this deep and pure. If anyone came to me and said that they met some guy online a month ago and they loved them so much and were ready to marry them and spend the rest of their lives with them I'd say, they were crazy, it's too soon, slow down, what are you thinking, are you already having sex(we weren't ), what's wrong with you?! However, now I see two hearts that have been crying out and praying for one another and wept over one another throughout distance and time. Now they finally found each other and can quit wandering the earth searching and getting off track. They can seek the Lord together and walk the straight path for the Lord. OH there will be bumps and oppositions, trials and errors. But if God brought us to it (I believe he did), He'll bring us through it! There has been a lot of prayer, constant communication, self evaluation, even looking for red flags (haven't found any). I believe God's in this and has his hands all over it.
I'm not going to lie and say I am not a little scared, the fear of the unknown is always there because we're human. But this goes along with me not telling God no. He has a plan and a ministry in mind here! I don't fully understand it all now, but I get new glimpses of it every day! So the plan as of now is that on September 20th of this year (yes in 4 months, it's fast) we plan on getting married on top of the very mountain we climbed. From then on I will follow Tim wherever the Lord leads him.
*** the above story of how Tim and I got together was written a year ago, and slightly edited for space, grammar, and length. We didn't wait until September to get married. We had a crazy idea and friend who threw a wedding together and married us in less than 24 hours on 3rd of July 2014! We've had a lot incredible obstacles thrown in our way in a short time since getting married, yet in the middle of it all, we don't fail to see how incredibly blessed we are!
~Deeds
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