Prayer

Prayer

Have you ever prayed for something for so long, you never thought it would be answered, and certainly not the way you hope? I have, in fact I prayed for about 18 out of the 22 years I was with my ex-husband for him to be the husband I wanted or needed. One that wasn't an raging alcoholic/drug addict. I prayed that my husband would be a Godly man. And if I couldn't have that I prayed that God would just make me learn to love my husband the way a wife should. I prayed for patients, peace, and understanding, and for God to just make me a better person so my husband would love me more.

Growing up, my own father wasn't around. My parents divorced when I was about 8 or 9 years old, part of it was due to the sexual abuse he inflicted on me. However, he still had visitation rights and flitted in and out of our lives with grand stories of his life to make  himself seem more interesting to my sister and I and make us want to see him. The sexual abuse may have stopped for me, so it seemed safe to my mom to allow us to visit. He really just found a way to get his fix with other victims. The emotional mind games began and kept me desperate to be that "good enough girl". However, by the time I was a senior in high school, my father was completely gone out of my life. 

Shortly after the divorce, my mom had a boy friend who lived with us off and on for 8 years. He was wonderful and caring; when he wasn't drinking. He was a Vietnam War Veteran who had been through and saw more things than any human should. While I did love him so much, his drunkin binges, verbal, and emotional abuse we (my mother, sister, and I) endured became too much to handle. I prayed that I would be good enough that he would love me, my mother, and my sister so that he would quit drinking and stay with us. Once I got older, at about 15 years old, I was fed up, and kicked him out, well at least I felt it was I who did it. After a long night of fighting and me yelling at him to leave and yelling at my mom for taking it, (not too unlike other nights) he didn't comeback. 

After all of that, my mom drank more, and withdrew, didn't really seem to know how to handle teenagers transitioning into adulthood, and was facing her own fear of being alone and not good enough. Right or wrong I felt a great responsibility for the way she felt and acted, I wanted to take care of her, but failed  miserably at even thinking I was trying. Being wrapped up in my own teenage/young adult mishaps, falling into bad relationships, drinking too much, all I could seem to do is fail at being a daughter, or person in general. Why couldn't God just fix me?

See, for as long as I can remember, I've always known there was a God, I knew of Jesus. For as long as I can remember I prayed for God to make me, a certain situation, or person better. Even though I wasn't technically saved until I was 11 years old. So I've done A LOT of praying for something in my life that needed changing. 

God didn't seem to answer those prayers. Why? I prayed for God's will, surely having abusive men in my life wasn't His will. He couldn't expect me to live alone and feeling rejected for ever, Right? Why couldn't He just make me a better person worthy of love? I grew up pleading with God to make my life better, to make me better. As you know from the beginning of this post and my first blog post, this same type of prayer followed me into adulthood. I tried doing things my way so long, to please God, to be "good", to make my life seem better, ya know trying to help God along.

BUT was I honestly praying because I wanted to live for HIM, the one who died for my sins, who protected me in many circumstances that could have been worse than they were? Did I want to live for the one who had a plan for my life that included a future full of hope and blessings? I just wanted my life better or fixed so I could go on living happily ever after and "normal". I knew I wanted the blessings part. It was all about me and, why is life on this earth so difficult.

So, again, why doesn't God just answer my prayers or the prayers of the faithful prayer? The answer is found in our own hearts. God is more concerned about cleaning up our hearts, before the things in our lives. He can't stand that our hearts and the things we harbor there, oppose HIM and separate us from HIM. Jesus wants us to come and surrender our hearts and lives to Him and receive new hearts and a life with a hope and a future.

Nothing can made right in our lives, or in the world, until we receive new hearts surrendered to God. All selfish desires of our hearts come when worship of God is absent. 

Like I mentioned in a previous post, because of Adam, sin entered the world and entangled every  area of life. We rejected the rule of The Lord over our lives. When we continue to reject God, He'll  Give us over to ourselves and our sinful desire, which brings death and destruction. Death of a relationship with God and destruction of the life that God intended us to have.

Reading the first chapter of Romans, reads like something that could have been written today about today's world:

18 But God shows his anger from heaven against all sinful, wicked people who suppress the truth by their wickedness.[19 They know the truth about God because he has made it obvious to them. 20 For ever since the world was created, people have seen the earth and sky. Through everything God made, they can clearly see his invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature. So they have no excuse for not knowing God.

"21 Yes, they knew God, but they wouldn’t worship him as God or even give him thanks. And they began to think up foolish ideas of what God was like. As a result, their minds became dark and confused.22 Claiming to be wise, they instead became utter fools. 23 And instead of worshiping the glorious, ever-living God, they worshiped idols made to look like mere people and birds and animals and reptiles.

24 So God abandoned them to do whatever shameful things their hearts desired. As a result, they did vile and degrading things with each other’s bodies. 25 They traded the truth about God for a lie. So they worshiped and served the things God created instead of the Creator himself, who is worthy of eternal praise! Amen. 26 That is why God abandoned them to their shameful desires. Even the women turned against the natural way to have sex and instead indulged in sex with each other. 27 And the men, instead of having normal sexual relations with women, burned with lust for each other. Men did shameful things with other men, and as a result of this sin, they suffered within themselves the penalty they deserved.

28 Since they thought it foolish to acknowledge God, he abandoned them to their foolish thinking and let them do things that should never be done. 29 Their lives became full of every kind of wickedness, sin, greed, hate, envy, murder, quarreling, deception, malicious behavior, and gossip.30 They are backstabbers, haters of God, insolent, proud, and boastful. They invent new ways of sinning, and they disobey their parents. 31 They refuse to understand, break their promises, are heartless, and have no mercy. 32 They know God’s justice requires that those who do these things deserve to die, yet they do them anyway. Worse yet, they encourage others to do them, too."

I didn't intend to copy and paste so much of the chapter, but it speaks volumes about what is wrong with the world and why prayers don't get answered the way we want. We've traded the truth of God for lies! 

Now, in the two and a half years my idea of praying has changed. My heart has changed. It changed the moment I decided I wasn't going to tell God no, any more. A new complete surrender the Lord. My heart and mind have been completed changed! I've seen more answered prayers and miracles in the past two years than in my whole life.   I've seen God work in ways I thought were no longer relevant in today's world. I gained many blessings, including a new marriage to a godly man as well as new friends and family.

What an incredibly different world with hope in our future we would live in if everyone sought to worship God instead believe in the lies if the devil!

Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.(Romans 12:2)

23 And be renewed in the spirit of your mind;(Ephesians 4:23)